A Blast From The Past

I am supposed to meet up with a friend from work this weekend, someone that I used to be really close to.  We had a falling out awhile back, and have slowly been sort of getting back to the point that we can be around each other and be normal.  I have had a hard time convincing myself that seeing her this weekend will be a good thing.  I have done a lot of soul searching in the last year, and I know she has asked around about me.  It's hard, working together and being close friends, and then having something like that happen.  And I'm just not sure that we can ever get back the closeness we had, just too much happened that makes it hard to trust.

Anyway.

I was cleaning out my draft folder, and I found a letter to her that I wrote many many months ago.  It wasn't ever intended to be sent, was just for me to vent.  It brings me back to the whole situation and makes me a little bit nervous.  I don't want to trash it, but I don't want to save it in my e-m, so I suppose I'm just transferring it somewhere else as a reminder of what happened.  I have only deleted out stuff that was too personal.

I figured you would like an explanation, so here it is.

 

I am incredibly sensitive when it comes to my friends, and watching you make so many bad decisions was too much for me.  I wanted to tell you this when you invited me to your place, but what you didn't tell me was that A was going to be there.  You asked me over and then when we were right outside your loft, you told me he was there.  I don't like him, you know this, and I felt like you blindsided me with his presence.  I think he's bad for you, has been nothing but a SERIOUS drain on you - is completely irresponsible - and I was really upset that I had to sit there and act all happy when I wanted to have a serious talk with you.  We hadn't spoken in SO long, and I was in no mood to make small chit chat. 

 

So many of the decisions you've made in the past couple of years have really left me scratching my head.  You move into a place that you KNOW you can't afford.  You talk about other people making all these stupid decisions, when you were doing the exact same thing, borrowing money from you family, living off the charity of others.  Using their money to buy things you shouldn't have been spending it on.  I could go on with this point.

 

It BOTHERED ME A LOT.  You seemed incapable of making true adult decisions, and incapable of taking responsibility.

 

I know you want a normal and productive life, but the direction you were going wasn't going to get there, and you only would listen to, and surround yourself, with people that told you how great you were doing, when you weren't.  You wouldn't make decisions to better yourself, you made them rashly with little thought as to their consequence.  It seemed you just hoped that things turned out for the best, instead of actually making plans to make things work. 

 

What really got to me was the way you talked about it...exepcted sympathy when you only put yourself in that situation all on your own.  After SO MUCH OF THAT, I won't sympathize.  I worked pretty fucking hard to get to where I am, and I'm still doing that.  If you did the same, and managed yourself better, you wouldn't have been in the hot mess you were.

 

I also did not feel like I could trust you to keep my life private.  As much as you told me about other people, I realized other people probably knew just as much about me.  Even if you say it isn't so, I wouldn't believe you, because you've already broken my trust more than once.  Yes, I talked about people too, and I have since come to realize what a terrible thing that is, and our relationship is the reason why I realized that.  Other people's lives - NOT MY BUSINESS, and certainly not yours either.  I'm ashamed to think I partook in that with you, and I've grown from it, doing my best to stay out of the gossip at work.  I realize that people are probably talking about me from the things they've heard, and frankly, IDGAF.  It doesn't really bother me, but more makes me feel sorry for those people who don't have better things to do with their time than create negative energy.  WHAT A WASTE, they are only hurting themselves and making themselves unhappy!  I know me, I know who I am, and I am okay with myself.  No, I'm not perfect, I DON'T have the perfect marriage, house, family, friends, etc.  But you know what?  No one does.  But I am not too ashamed to admit when I've messed up and need to reevaluate and work on things in my life that need work, and THEN to take action.  I'm not afraid to ask advice from people who I know will give it to me straight and true.  I'm not afraid of searching for a better answer than the one I've come up with on my own. 

 

I've made several changes in my life since we stopped talking, towards self-improvement, and I feel pretty damn good about it.

 

You should do the same.  YOU'RE ALL YOU HAVE AND YOU'RE WASTING TIME.