The Commuters

I wonder if there's a band called that?  I should be in it.  And we could wear suits and cars as our costumes on stage and yell driving insults at eachother whilst playing our instruments. 

I *do* really wish I were in a band.  I have a good voice, but I'm not so sure I have stage presence.  I think the costumes would be integral to this.  Maybe I should hit up Craigslist for bands when I'm done with the CPA.  I wonder if I would even tell them I'm a CPA?  I mean, would *you* want a CPA in your band?  I would, but I'm biased. 

Sometimes I want to tell people I do something *anything* besides accounting.  DO NOT GET ME WRONG, I AM THANKFUL FOR MY PROFESSION, but, it could be cooler.  Like a Park Ranger, or a Vet, or an artist with a wealthy benefactor.  I especially like the last one, but I don't even know if they have those any more, I just remember it from reading Little Women.  Remember?  Amy had her wealthy benefactor Aunt and got to go to France to study?  And then she and Christian Bale Laurie hooked up, and he was really hot and they lived happily ever after?  I would have rathered that be me than that snot, Amy, is all I'm saying.

Anyway.

As it is I *am* an accountant and my commute is kinda far.  First and foremost, my preferred method of transport is bike and train, period.  From start to finish, that method takes about 2 hours round trip, including a nine mile bike ride.  AND on the train I can study, listen to music, knit, dance, fart (one of the advantages to riding on a loud train) or just stare at people to freak them out - the possibilities are endless really.  Point is, energy I would have spent driving is now mine to control!  I am the master of my universe!  For about 40 min anyway.

I shoot to do this 4 days a week, but I usually end up driving at least one day a week.  And oh my GOSH, I hate driving.  Well, I don't hate driving, so much as I do every other driver out there.  I don't care if you're my grandmother, if you cut me off, so help me God, I will ruin you and every person you love (not really, but I talk big, even when it means taking myself out, apparently).

I just....can't even comprehend why some people drive the way they do.

If I drive, I commute anywhere from 1 hour to 1-1/2 hours a day, depending on traffic, when I drag my ass out of bed leave the house, etc.  It's worth it right now.  Maybe not always, but right now, it's worth it.  And that's saying a lot because the shit I've seen on I-35 is real.  I've seen one car PLOW underNEATH another.  I've seen a person *literally* get squashed in between two cars. 

It never ceases to amaze me, the way we have things arranged. 

We drive these cars, and the space in these cars, for the most part, goes entirely unused.  Mine seats 5.  I am married with 5 animals, no kids.  HUH.  And in order to haul around all of this unused space, we burn a finite resource.  We have other methods of transport - better ones than cars, that's for sure - but we ignore them because we are adamant about being independent beings that don't allow *any* inconvenience in their lives, such as having to go without air conditioning for 10 minutes, much less wait for the fucking bus, or throwing ourselves into shifting the way we use capture and use energy.

So yeah, I already hate driving enough from that standpoint, that when I *do* have to drive, I usually find myself underwhelmed at the state of our national intelligence, and general ability to function in an organized and productive fashion.

That is, people suck when I'm battling them on the highways.  Traffic sucks.  You suck.  Everyone sucks.  Road rage is real and I suffer from it.  I'm not violent crazy with it, but there is a certain level of loathing there that I'd rather not have to deal with, and that's why I use our public transit system, and that's why I ride my bike.  I'm loud and proud about it.  I just got them to install a bike rack at my office, I swear I was so proud it was like I birthed the thing right out of my own jayjay.  They actually put my biking commute whatnots in the company newsletter.  AND, don't judge me, but I was so proud.

But enough about that.

Barring my preferred methods, I drive.  Almost everyone - myself included - falls into one of these categories at some point or another.  None of us is perfect.  But the next time you pull one of these little moves, SURELY UNINTENTIONALLY, RIGHT?, how's about you give me a little wave to let me know you realize that what you just did was a wee bit on the side of assholish, and that you're sorry and know that I'm a better person than you in that moment for not ramming my 4000 pound vehicle into yours.  Because I'm a grownup.  So THBTH.

1) The lane changer.  Switches lanes constantly without using a turn signal.  Known for an inability to commit to anything or anyone.  Usually ends up behind everyone because changing lanes - as we all know - does you absolutely no good.  That's the definition of insanity isn't it?  Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result?  So if you do this, just go ahead and walk yourself into a psych ward, because you're off your rocker and probably a little bit stupid.  Try being patient and waiting next time, and you'll save yourself some time and effort.

2) The braker.  Doesn't know how to effectively brake, and vascilates between slamming the gas and brake pedals.  Most of their friends and family coincidentally suffer from whiplash.  These people are the most insensitive ones, who don't give a fuck that the ten people behind them all had to slam on their brakes too, all because *you* just found that jelly donut you dropped last week under the seat and are now trying to eat without other drivers noticing not that I've ever done that.

3) The ass rider.  This driver insists on riding your ass regardless of anything.  Pretty obvious, but this driver likes butt sex.  A lot.  But will take a warm tailpipe if they can get it.

4) The slow rider.  Doesn't care if they're holding up traffic, they will not go the speed limit.  "It's called a limit for a reason, let's not test it, am I right or am I right?"  Pretty obvious, but this person has never had butt sex, and could probably use some.

5)  The diagonal driver.  Cuts across 12 lanes of traffic to catch an exit they knew about 5 miles ago.  Likes to live life in the fast line.  Usually dies early, from stupidity, mostly.

6)  The indecicive driver.  They don't know which way is left, right, north, or south.  They refuse to get GPS while all of their friends talk about how awful their driving is behind their backs.  Because that's the kind of stuff I talk about.  OBVIOUSLY.

7)  The teenager.  Go drive for a few years, and I *might* respect what you're trying to do here.  For now though, you suck at it and I have considered running you over because I would earn more points in my pretend game in my head where I run people over for points.  You're worth like 100.  Partially because you lack driving skills, and partially because of the way you talk, how everything ends like a question?  Even when it's an answer?  Like, my name is Emily?

8) The mom. She's on the phone and has 17 kids in her minivan. She's bobbing and weaving. She needs to get off the fucking phone and also stop reproducing BECAUSE WE'RE NOT UNDERPOPULATED PEOPLE.  God, I would get *so* many points if I took one of these out.

9) The dominator.  I'm going to speed up and pass you, and then get in front of you and slow down.  Why?  Because I'm mentally unstable.

Anyway, the reality is, driving scares the shit out of me, and in all honestly, somewhere back there I worry that I may die doing it.

And NO I don't really "take people out for points."  I just do it for fun  Sigh.