The Video Game Addict

The video game addict, and reasons why video games suck:

·       My husband plays them way too much

·       I therefore don’t get laid nearly as often AS I SHOULD

·       I therefore have to masturbate way more than any married woman should have to

·       I therefore have carpal tunnel syndrome and have to tell people it’s just from typing too much – and ooooh, such is the life of an accountant

·       Also? It turns my husband into this cranky person I don’t feel like I know any more, and it’s sort of starting to piss me off. His therapist even told him to tone it down a notch.  It’s a backwards world when I’m the one wanting to get laid and he’s the irritable one who isn’t.

·       Did I mention I don’t get laid enough?

·       Gamers start calling their fellow gamers their friends. Even though they’ve never met in real life. And if they have it only happened once and was kinda awkward because no one is ever as cool in person as they are online. So if you haven’t heard, here’s how it goes. Twitter < Facebook < Texting < E-mail < Real Life. See how gaming doesn’t even fit into that equation? Even math thinks gaming is lame.

·       You don’t actually do anything productive. At all. I'm sure that developing children gain something from playing video games PERIODICALLY, but for a grown adult, it's sort of embarrassing. Everything about gaming really works against you as far as being a productive, functional member of society. And also against you being a productive, functional husband, parent, sibling, friend, ETC AND ETC.

·       You end up at the neurologists for constant headaches and then get a muscle relaxer prescription. Because you can’t fucking put down the controller and join the real world. Even when your loving (and AFFECTIONATE) wife points this out, and you refuse to admit that sitting in front of a computer all day and night could *possibly* be the cause of your headaches. DE-NIAL.

I write this to warn all you serious video game addicts that your addiction is very likely hurting the people you supposedly love. So really, I know it's harder than this - but - stop it, really, and grow the fuck up.  Go ride a bike. Volunteer. Knit a fucking sweater. Grow some shit in your backyard. Fix something around the house. Hire someone to fix something around the house and then watch and LEARN. Hang out with your REAL LIFE friends. Go to a movie. Buy a telescope and look at shit in the sky. Learn an instrument. Really, you have a lot of options. 

But for God’s sake, if you have someone who is patient enough to stick around and put up with the bullshit that IS being with a video game addict.....take them out and show them a good time REGULARLY. And fuck their bloody brains out REGULARLY.  But whatever you do, DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES DURING SAID GOOD TIME. And especially, not during said nooky time. Because, REALLY?